Roman Catholic Jokes

by Robert Brow


Roman Catholics tell the best jokes about their own denomination :

    A woman used to come and pray every morning in a big church in Brockville. One day two workmen were on a platform way above her fixing the ceiling. One of them called down "This is the Lord" but the woman kept on fingering her rosary and praying. The workman thought she must be deaf and shouted twice as loud "This is the Lord." But she never looked up and kept praying.
The third time the whole of Brockville heard him shout "This is the Lord." Without even looking up, she said "Can't you keep quiet, I am talking to your mother."

    When the Pope got to heaven his room wasn't ready yet, so they left him happily reading in the library. Suddenly there was a great wail and they rushed in to find him crying his eyes out. "What's wrong?" they asked. He answered mournfully "Here in the books of heaven it says "celebrate" not "celibate."

    The Pope was praying and he asked "God, are we ever going to have women as priests in our Church?" God said "Not in your lifetime." So he asked "God are we ever going to have married priests in our Church?" And God said "Not in your lifetime." "God, when are you going to have another Polish Pope?" And God said, "Not in my lifetime."

Two priests were going to Hawaii and decided to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, and sunglasses. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs enjoying a drink. A "drop dead' blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. When she
passed them she smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning, Father," then passed by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them. She approached them and greeted them individually "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know ? "Oh Father, didn't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela"

 A fellow went to the Woodbine Track in Toronto, and the first race he saw a Roman Catholic priest go up and bless a horse.  The horse won easily.  The next race he watched the priest do the same, so he bet $100 on the horse, and again the horse won its race.  This went on till the last race when he bet all his winnings, but the horse collapsed on the track. So he asked the priest what had gone wrong?  "That's the trouble with you Protestants, you don't know the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

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