Animal Jokes

by Robert Brow


When I was a boy I used to tell riddles of the genre : "Why did the owl owl?" Answer "Because the woodpecker would peck her." "Vy voudn't de viper viper nose?" Answer "Because the adder ad er ankerchief."

    Now I prefer "What does a mummy kangaroo say when it rains?" Answer "I just hate these days when the children have to play inside."

    A couple thought their dog had died, so they rushed to the vet to check if he was still alive. The vet laid the animal on the table, picked up a cat from a basket and let it walk up and down the dog's back. "Yes, I am sorry your dog is dead, or he would have jumped up. That will be $333." The couple demanded an explanation for the cost. "It is just $33 for the surgery visit, but $300 for the cat scan."

    A woman had her dog neutered. Ten years later a genie came to her birthday party and offered the woman a wish. "I wish you would change that old dog of mine into a beautiful prince." Instantly the prince appeared, gave the woman a kiss, and whispered "Too bad you had me fixed."

    The Vegetarian Society hired an Elephant to go round every town in England with a big sign on both sides : "This is what vegetarianism does for you."

    A bull picked up a glove with one of its horns and tossed in the direction of the cows. "Any of you girls missing half a bra?"

    A panda walked into a restaurant, ordered his meal, and ate it quietly. When he had finished, he pulled out a gun and shot the bottles off the bar. As he was walking out the manager rushed up to ask "What do you think you are doing?" The animal told him to look up the word panda in a dictionary, and ran off. The dictionary said "The panda is a tree-dwelling black and white animal that eats, shoots, and leaves."

    Little Joey was visiting the lions' cage at the zoo with his father. "Dad, if that lion gets out of the cage right now and attacks you, what bus do I take home?"

    A magician used to put on magic shows on a transatlantic liner, but he had a parrot that kept spoiling the tricks by saying "He's got it up his sleeve" or "That box has a false bottom." One day the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The magician saved himself on a raft. Three days later the parrot arrived exhausted and said "OK, I give up, where did you hide the ship?"

    A cowboy was thrown from his horse and broke a leg. The animal picked the man up by his belt, carried him home, and went to fetch a doctor. Another cowboy said he had the smartest horse on the ranch. "Don't you believe it, that animal is so stupid he came back with a vet."

The Browns had good neighbours who kept a pet squirrel in a cage. The squirrel was light orange with a black spot on its head. One evening at supper the Browns' dog brought in a mangled muddy squirrel. It was orange with a black spot on its head. They were very embarrassed that their dog had killed the neighbours' pet. So they washed off the mud, sewed up the cuts in the squirrel's skin, and dried the fur nicely with a hair drier. In the dead of night they crept into their neighbours' porch and laid the squirrel in its cage. Next morning the neigbours rushed in excitedly. "Would you believe it, our dear little squirrel died three days ago, and we buried it in our garden. This morning we found it resurrected and sleeping peacefully back in its cage."

Which reminds me of another story of deception to avoid embarrassment :
After the priests had assembled with the elders, they devised a plan to give a large sum of money to the soldiers, telling them, "You must say, 'His disciples came by night and stole him away while we were asleep.' If this comes to the governor's ears, we will satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." So they took the money and did as they were directed. And this story is still told among the Jews to this day (Matthew 28:12-15).

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