Anglican Jokes

by Robert Brow


As an Anglican (Episcopal) minister I like jokes that keep us from getting too pompous :

    A fellow came to Kingston General Hospital to have a brain transplant. When they took his brain out and went to get the other brain, he thought the operation was over and walked out. They looked everywhere and couldn't find him. Three years later the surgeon was walking down Princess Street, and met the man. "Weren't you the man I took the brain out from?" The fellow said "yes." "How are you doing?" and he said "OK?" "What are you doing now?" He pointed to his dog collar, and said "Can't you see, I am as Anglican minister in the Diocese of Ontario."

    A fellow came to Kingston General Hospital to have a brain transplant. They had several brains lined up for him to choose from "This a doctor's brain for $3,000." "That is a lawyer's brain for $4,000." The man asked about a superb looking brain on another shelf? The nurse said "Oh, I am afraid that would be $50,000. It belonged to an Anglican minister and it has never been used."

    An Anglican minister called at a woman's home. He knocked several times and got impatient because he could hear her scurrying around inside. So he wrote a text on his card and left it in her mail box : Revelation 3:20 "Behold I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in." Next Sunday as she left the church she slipped him her card with Genesis 3:10 written on it. He rushed home to see what the text was. "I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself."

    An Anglican minister was walking along a cliff and fell over. He managed to grab a branch and could see the rocks five hundred feet below him. So he decided he had better pray. He looked up to heaven and said, "Is there anybody up there?" A loud voice came from heaven "Let go thy hand and I will hold thee up." The minister thought for a minute and looked up again "Is there anybody else up there?"

    An Anglican minister decided to go to a silent monastery to escape the pressures of his parish. The rule was you could speak two words once every five years. At the end of his first five years he went to his father superior and said "Bad food." The superior nodded his head and the minister went back to his cell for another five years. At the end of ten years he went in and said "Hard bed." Again the superior nodded his head, and he went back till the end of his fifteenth year. This time he said "I quit," and the father superior said "About time too, you have done nothing but complain since you have been here."

    A boy gave a dollar to an Anglican minister. The priest told him he should give it to the poor. "That's why I gave it to you, Reverend, because my dad says you're the poorest preacher we ever had."

    An Anglican offered to paint the outside walls of the village church. Half way along the paint was running out and he filled up with paint thinner. Again the paint ran out and he did the same. Overnight there was a rain storm. On Sunday morning the people complained he had done a crummy job.
He was very upset and looked up to heaven. "What shall I do, they are all mad with me?" A voice came from heaven. "Repaint, and thin no more."

    There are of course numerous riddles about how many Anglicans it takes to change a lightbulb. I thought the best answer was "Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to say "We preferred it the way it was before." But then I was told it is actually impossible for Anglicans ever to change a light bulb. There is always a woman who will say "My mother donated that bulb, and you touch it over my dead body."

    A woman had been trying to make up her mind for an hour between a green dress and a red one. The young sales girl was getting exasperated. "Madam, what colors does you husband usually wear?" The woman, whose husband was the Archbishop of Canterbury, said he usually wore a purple gown. "Oh, you've got one of them kinky ones, ave you?"

After dinner with friends a couple decided to take a short cut home across a wooded area. Their friends warned them,  "Watch out for the grizzly bears : they are  very dangerous.  But if you meet up with an Anglican grizzly, you will  be safe."   Deep in the wood two huge grizzlies came towards them.  The bears knelt down and put their front paws together.  "They must be  Anglicans,  so we will be in no danger," the couple thought.   Then they heard the grizzly  pray, "For what we are about to receive, may we be truly thankful."


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