Ready for Y3K

by Robert Brow  April 1999   (web site -

Dear Omega,

We are delighted you and your significant other are going to mind our house for the next three months. We will be at our cottage on the moon ( till the end of February.

Things may not be as bad on earth as the experts say, but we can't be too careful. We admire your courage in staying by your dog. We had ours put into Sleepfreeze, and hope he revives properly. In January if you could drop by and let us know he is at peace, we would appreciate it. The rest home is just over the bridge to Wolfe Island on the right, and the Canine Block is behind the main building.

You will find everything in the house is under control from the console in the kitchen area. Don't push the button marked VERMIN - it will kill off the rats and cockroaches, and you as well. The GARBAGE button is a bit tricky. You have to push COMPACT first, then SEND, and make sure the damn thing puts in a new bag. If it doesn't, you could try pushing HELP. If all else fails, you will have to put in a new bag manually.

Oh, there is a tiresome gizmo between the twin beds. If your partner thrashes around as mine does, either the video screen on the ceiling comes on , or one of the two beds tilts alarmingly. Just remember the big button turns off the soap (I usually check the news and get dial a prayer), and the other two buttons move the beds up and down.

We have left a dozen charged batteries in the basement, and they should give light and run the console for a week.

Heat should be no problem as we share an earth core drill hole with four neighbors. If the electricity fails, the thermostat won't work and the house will heat up - just open the windows. The thermal system also heats the pool, and if the thermostat fails for that you get an instant hot spa.

That will be great in lieu of a shower, but the problem is the neighbors will immediately bring beer and join you for a  hot tub party. The people to the south insist on going skinny, which is fine for them as long as they don't try to force those who are full figured like us to do the same. The real hazard is if the woman to the north comes with her children, and immediately calls the police to break up the indecency. With a bit of luck (lucky for you) she will have taken the kids to the moon - her cottage is next to ours.

If the people across the road invite you to play poker, don't. The other neighbors are weird, but please don't let on we said so. The New Age couple go out into their garden in full view to sit cross legged as the sun rises and sets. A man two houses to the south is into Gaya, and he is very angry with us for wounding the earth with our thermal drill hole. The fellow over the back fence keeps 37 cats. I will leave you to ask the Muslim woman with her head covered what it feels like to be circumcised so she is not tempted to sleep around. I can assure you won't get bored, though I must admit we will be glad to get away from them all.

They say the bus to the moon is still a bit risky, so please pray we arrive safely. Remember to pay the rent the first of the month in advance into our bank (it's the only one left in town). I am sure you will be glad you took our wonderful house. Enjoy.

Your landperson, Alpha.

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